The Very Unlucky Government Bureaucrat

"I'm so sorry, Fred. Somebody has do do it."

"BUT WHYYYYY ME?!? THIS IS THE WORST TASK EVER. HALF THE REPORTS CONTRADICT EACHOTHER!"

"Dangit, Fred, we can't go another year without a list of recognized countries! You have to do it."

"ARE YOU SERIOUS? ARGHHHHHHHHHH THIS MAKES NO SENSE"

Fred slammed his face into the disk.

"OKAY SO LOOK AT THIS." he said, sweeping giant, mountainous piles of paper off his desk.

"Apparently, Lavaheart Island, with 64 people is a free republic! It doesn't even have a city on it, but several articles credit it as a free republic. I obviously couldn't talk to the council about this, because they don't even understand! Some place called Lisboagal, which hasn't even done a thing! I thought that island was abandoned for the last 300 years, and they haven't had any involvement in politics or history at all! Does Nothing count? It caught on fire and burned down partially and the servers are all glitchy and nobody even goes there anymore but it's still considered a free republic! It's a freaking USA government project, and it's a free republic! You can't even produce anything! You can't even GO IN IT! You have to be uploaded, and it EVAPORATES MATTER. RIDICULOUS. It was a giant waste of taxpayer money, and it's probably going to be shut down, but it still counts as a free republic! Or does it? What about the Mapsians? They've been fighting for at least two years now. Macradonia, a 500 person island that claims it's a free republic, but at the same time is also a client state of Dorkugal. Or whatever. Is Centriepistula a free republic? It's a dang city! And it's claimed as Ligurian by Papa Flywish. UTR claims that Slumolia is merely a rebel territory, but their representatives claim it's a free state! Flystonia is simply like, a bunch of millionaire islands, but I'm not sure where to count them. Freezeland...."

Fred slammed his poor face into the desk again.

"It was conquered by SN, who immediately surrendered it for....a permit to mine gold in Pengolia. Seriously. There isn't even any gold in Pengolia! So, apparently, some state called Penguinia merged between the Viking Empire, which was a like, 2 year state, and Freezeland. And it lasted for about a month. I don't know! And there apparently was a Snoss Freezeland, which ALSO disappeared in about 9 days! Then some guy called Grifpa took it over, and then he got deposed, and then....I don't know! Is it back to it's normal state yet? Most High Penguins don't even CARE. They all were about the same, anyway. But what do I call it? And Waffleland. Essentially, the USA's giant insane asylum. Every penguin that ever appears to suffer any disorder-why place them in asylums? It's much simpler to deport them to Waffleland. But are they a country? Most of the lesserly insane ones, like the ones with small mental disabilities have formed a government, and claim that THEY are a republic too. And, they were attacked in 2011 by Snowzerland...or not, maybe that was an alternate universe, but Explorer claims it wasn't...."

Fred screamed at the top of his lungs.

"AND THERE'S MORE! MORE, I TELL YOU! EVEN MORRRRE! Warmslates! Does that count? That's just some islands in Weddell! WEDDELL! DOES THAT EVEN COUNT? It was under jurisdiction of Freezeland and USA together, but Freezeland's state is really unsure right now! So is Warmslates a USA territory, or a free republic?!? I don't know where to count it! Weddell's representative is a FREAKING TIME TRAVELER. That's supposed to be classified, but I know it anyway, and there's no way I'm going to be able to meet up with him any time soon! And then there's Clearwater Island. That's not a free republic, but the @#$%@#$% diplomat at the Polaran Embassy claims it is. It has a total of 211...ish...penguins! 211! There's more penguins than that in this department! And should I just dump all the Poshians, Geek Empirians, Jerks, Fords, Dorkuguese, Sparkans, Lichenblossomese, and Prepguins together as "Dorkuguese Empire"? It's so unclear. Want to know something, Bill? On this list of Free Republics, "New Forest" is on here! New Forest! Ha! It only has about 3 or 4 accounts of it even EXISTING. Somewhere in Trans-Antarctica. No representatives, no diplomats, and it's a rumor that it even exists! And yet, we still count it! What about New North Etana? It's a rebel state, but it's listed under the USA territories, despite having no affiliations! And this leads us to Japaland! Is it under the jurisdiction of the AU? Is it part of NNE? Is it a free state? It's representative claims that it is a free state, and the NNE claims it is part of their territory, despite us calling them one of the USA's territories!"

Bill paused.

"I'm so sorry."

Fred slammed his face into the pile of paperwork.

"IT. GETS. WORSE. On this stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid list of Free Republics, Exploration Island is on here! Want to know what? Exploration Island has a total of ONE TOWN. And it's in Weddell, too, but it's not under the USA's jurisdiction. And then we have Latino Antarctica. The Isle of Penguifornia is listed as a Free Republic, yet it is part of the Ninja Archepelego, which would make it part of the AU, but it's also considered as Latino Antarctican, which is a large amount of islands mostly colonized by the Ninja Archepelegans, but that doesn't make them part of the AU so who knows what list they fall into?!? And then there's Maverick. It has 522 population, but guess what? Still a country! No jurisdictions whatsoever, even though it's part of Latino Antarctica. And it doesn't even have a diplomat or representative or whatever. And now Polaris is revolting, which currently would put it as enemies with the USA, but should we recognize it or not? I'm SO CONFUSED. And then there's also New Maverick. It's Serbian. Another ethnic group that claims they should count too. Aaand Chi Con. An Anarchy. That doesn't count either. Do I put it on the list, or not? So, currently, my list is this."

Fred pulled out a list with about 20 names on it, all crossed out multiple times with 20 names above those ones, with all those crossed out with footnotes added on some other names.

"AND I'VE GOT MORE. There's Ed Island. It's part of the Sub-Antarctic Islands, but it is ALSO a Free Republic. One source says it has over 100,000 people, but another one claims it has 30,000! And then we have Yow. They hate us, but should we acknowledge them as a country? They're acknowledged by the AU, but not by UTR, so I'm not sure where to put them. And then the June Islands, which I think are under Yow's jurisdiction...I give up."

There was a long awkward silence.

"Aw, forget it. The USA doesn't need this list. It won't even be recognized by anyone, anyway. I'm sorry for your wasted time, Fred." said Bill, trying to wrap his mind around the ridiculous politics of Antarctica.

Fred promptly cheered, set all his paperwork on fire, and quit his government job.