The Absurd Mission/Chapter 7

Chapter Seven: Welcome to the Past

They left the airport and took an old bus bound for Mattress Village. Thirty minutes later, the two arrived in front of a stone fence. An arch is also there, and a toll booth inside, that resembled more of a shack than a gate, stood to block the path. The bus stopped for the toll booth. A sentry came out, dressed in a black leather jacket and donning sunglasses with a badge on his hat, and examined the bus.

"I am the Gatekeepet. The Traveller's Gate is currently unlocked."

The sentry smiled, recognizing TurtleShroom, but looking at Austin with xenophobic suspicion.

The penguin reached into his pocket and pulled out a rusted iron key. He walked to the toll gates and inserted said key into the padlock of the gate. The lock clicked open, and the sentry pushed it open. The old gates squeaked open.

"Welcome to Mattress Village. Behave yourselves."

The bus moved on as Austin stared out the back window at the weird officer.

"Who in the heck was that?"

"One of the Mattress Village Police. They're not actualy police... they're just more of an ineffectual volunteer group of organized vigilantes that work for the Board."

"The Board?"

"You wouldn't understand."

The bus went along the dirt road. Many, many houses could be seen far in the distance, but nothing was close together. The bus dropped them off.

"All right Mister Austin, let's get waddling."

"Why?"

"My home is that way."

"We can't ride?"

"No. Around here, you walk."

"UUGH!"

However, Austin saw a large house marked with a large PWNhammer on the way.

"Hey, what's that?"

"That, my friend, is the ancestral home of the Beronews residence."

"No way. That's Dan's house?!"

"Technically, yes."

Austin grinned evily. "Uh, sir Turtleshroom, I really have to go use the... Outhouse. Yeah. I'll catch up with you in a bit."

Austin dashed to the outhouse until TS was out of sight. Then he grabbed rocks and chunked them at Dan's house. Unluckily, TS caught him.

"VERY FUNNY. No, seriously. What do you have against Dan?"

"It's a personal thing."

TS grabbed and led the disgruntled Austin towards the family residence. It was a grey building of two humble stories and a chimney. It had a lightly sloped roof and five windows. The only thing unique was a large Turtlenator Flag flying on a pole.

"THAT'S where you grew up?"

"Yep."

"OH COME ON!!" he shouted.

"Look, TurtleShroom, I'm not really interested in an old hick town. I mean, I'm going to go mess around until your little meeting thingamagig."

TS looked aghast.

"SMALL HICK TOWN? What nerve!"

"I didn't mean it like that..." Austin said. "...-But I expected where you grew up to be more exciting. I mean, there's nothing but old farmhouses that are acres apart from each other. Where's the city?"

"Downtown is to the west of here. Go to the mountains to your left and you'll reach the paved road."

"Oh."

The two were silent for a bit.

"King Jones?"

"Yes?"

"On my way in here, I saw some weird things."

"What kind of things do you speak of, Mister Austin?" TurtleShroom responded. "If it's helicopters, white pickup trucks, goons in old timey suits, or creatures in tin foil, that's normal."

"No, I mean I saw weird things."

"This town has had its share, friend. What could possibly be weird that isn't around here every day?"

"I've had the MIB after me too."

"Huh?"

"The Moose in Black."

"... Uhh... Tell me, Mister Austin, do they... Wear m-moose masks and... Were they c-circling the city line?"

"Yeah."

TSP's poor mind could barely comprehend what Austin was saying.

"T-t-t-the black v-v-vans?"

"Yeah! Those are the MIB!"

"Oh my... By the name of Dick Cheney, what hath you wrought, Austin, WHAT HATH YOU WROUGHT?!"

"I don't know!"

"Well, I might as well spill the secret. I already told you most everything else, so let it be said now."

"Okay."

TurtleShroom looked around, and then up, for some reason.

"Mister Austin, have you heard what happened to my terminated uncle?"

"Termination?"

"Yes. Apparently, Ivan, my uncle, you see... Made the... Oh, never mind. You'll think it's silly."

Austin laughed. "Nah, Swiss Ninja's said some pretty crazy things himself."

TS nervously looked around.

"He offended... The sky programmers."

"The sky programmers?"

"Yes. Almighty beings that bless and curse us at their whims. My people offer gifts to appease them at a shrine downtown, and we all beseech them for mercy and aid. They're called the sky programmers. My family has fought with them for generations."

"Sky programmers, huh?"

TS looked down. "I suppose you don't believe me either. Sometimes, I hardly believe it. You see, Ivan was apparently killed because he was trying to expose their 'Secret'. He told us about it. There's a black scar on our land to forever remind us of the programmers' power."

Austin thought for a second. Wait... Was he talking about... The Bureau In Fiction and the Third Window?! -and those strange voices he heard every once in a while whenever he looked into a window?

"Wait... You mean the Third Window? Oh... CRUD. TurtleShroom, I think your uncle Ivan offended the yellow puffle. Denny, right? I think Denny didn't like the Bureau In Fiction being exposed to the public.""

TSP stared.

"Third window... Sky programmers... You know of them too?!"

Austin started to connect things together as well. The wind picked up. TurtleShroom grasped Austin by what would be his shoulders, with a tremendous fear in his eyes.

"Austin, something isn't right. The drop in temperature, the wind, the dimming of the sky... This is all so familiar." he paused. "THEY are coming."

TSP looked upward. High above, a large thunderstorm of purple clouds was gathering.

TurtleShroom gasped and began running home.

"I MUST LEAVE NOW!" he screamed, and he dissapeared from sight.

Austin shrugged, and headed out to the Swash Site.

The Near Termination of Austin8310

Austin walked towards the Swash Site. Everyone he walked by seemed to be hiding or running. He saw quivering farmers running off in the distance, or awed tourists staring at the purple clouds, and he wondered what the problem was. Yeah, clouds weren't normally purple, but weird stuff happened when he was around.

Several people called out warnings.

"Lissen, sonny! Somebody's offended them sky programmers! Get into yer cellar and pray they spare you!"

Austin laughed at the old farmer and proceeded waddling.

"I wonder what's their deal?"

He turned to a resident that was running for home.

"Hey, do you know where this 'Swash' is?"

The penguin gulped heavilly.

"Uh... Y-Yeah... Go near the Jones residence. Head a bit northeast from where we stand. It ends but yards from their house, but begins a good while back. If you're a tourist, you should go to the start, where its evil is most powerful. It's a solid black, scorched section of earth. You can't miss it."

"Thanks!"

Finally, he went back to the Jones house and found a sign pointing to the Swash Site. After about five minutes of waddling, he reached it.

There was a sign next to what looked like a long black line etched on the ground.

The sign was a block of solid granite, with black letters carved on it.

THE SECRET'S SWASH: SITE OF THE TERMINATION OF IVAN JONES
DIED ON THE THIRTEENTH OF AUGUST, IN THE YEAR NINETEEN NINETY EIGHT ANNO DOMINI. 

WOE BE HE WHO STEPS UPON THIS UNHOLY GROUND.

THIS LINE OF DESTRUCTION MARKS WHERE THE LIFE OF IVAN JONES WAS ERASED FROM OUR WORLD 
BY THE ALMIGHTY SKY PROGRAMMERS.


DO NOT STAND ON. REPEAT, DO NOT STAND ON. DO NOT OFFEND THE SKY PROGRAMMERS. GO HOME.


DO NOT TEMPT FATE. LOOK, BUT DO NOT TOUCH. HEED THIS SIGN. HEED OUR WARNINGS.

SOME THINGS ARE NOT MEANT TO BE KNOWN BY MORTAL PENGUIN. THIS IS ONE OF THEM.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Austin was a bit unnerved. Despite being generally fearless...Well, he was afraid. Yes, he was wearing that half of a necklace XTUX had given to him which "protected him", but still.

He took a deep breath, and took two steps onto the black mark.

BANG!

Purple lightning whizzed down from the sky, and crashed into Austin instantly! Austin was hacking on the ground, and throwing up. Then another blast of lightning hit him. Gasping, he pulled himself off the accursed spot and rolled around, trying to put out the fire on his feathers. He threw up all over the ground, hacked, choked, and sputtered. THAT WAS HORRIBLE. DENNY HAD TRIED TO KILL HIM!

Wait a second. If Denny really wanted to kill him, he could have done it ages ago.

He examined himself a bit more. He was blackened, some of his feathers were deleted, and his head was still sparking. He was enraged. The sky was growing lighter, and the purple clouds were fading away. Most of the farmers were coming back out of their houses. TurtleShroom also returned. Austin noticed that the farmers were shaking their heads and frowning at him. Some were in shock, some in pity, and others were just staring, because he was glowing somewhat.

"This town is weird."

The Meeting

TS and Austin walked towards the large meetingplace.

"Sooo..." Austin said, "What's this place for?"

"I'm here to be reinstated to my post."

Austin seemed uninterested, so they just walked in silence until they got to the meetingplace. In there were several swivel chairs, wooden chairs, and a few iron chairs. Austin and TS took a seat.

Then, the old judge started talking.

Austin was bored. It was a bunch of censors talking to eachother.

"And so, we must regulate speech. TS, we will appoint you back to your proper place in the MVBC."

Austin perked up.

"Why the heck would you even regulate speech?"

Several of the censors gasped.

"How dare you ask such a blasphemous thing!?!"

"Because regulating speech is pointless. In Snowzerland and West Pengolia, they don't have speech regulations! Well, they have some in Snowzerland, but not much."

All the council seemed angry.

"We're protecting morality!"

Austin rolled his eyes.

"You're being stupid."

TS glared, and recited several decency rules.

Then, the head of the censors glared at him.

"We find you guilty of emalfs, rejecting morality, and being annoying. What do you plead?"

"Heck, no contest. I hate court sessions."

The leading censor grinned evilly.

"Okay then, we sentence you to FOUR HOURS OF PICKING UP GARBAGE!"

"WHAT?!?"

---

Austin was picking up trash in the town with a pointy metal prong.

"Stupid hick town. Stupid lightning. Stupid judge. Stupid metal prong. Stupid litter." he angrily said as he speared pieces of garbage blowing down the town like tumbleweed. He was angry. He was supposed to be gathering mercenaries and fighting! Not picking up litter in the middle of nowhere!

An hour later, he was still forking garbage. Despite being a small town, there was quite a bit of litter. Probably from the tourists, and the garbage bins tipping over in the wind. Ergh.

Wait a second. Was that what he thought it was?

As he walked through the snowy ground, he saw something metallic glint, reflecting the sun. He walked over to it and picked it up. Huh. Just a watch. He stuffed it into his inventory and resumed picking up the "@#$%#@$^#@^$" trash.

After picking up approximately 547 pieces of trash, the timer for four hours beeped. Finally. He dumped the garbage bag into a trash can, and went back to TS's "personal jet."

Turtleshroom seemed dissapointed.

"You seemed like a very decent fellow earlier. Why did you defy the meeting like that?"

"Listen. Five hours of this plane and being zapped by lightning in a town in the middle of nowhere doesn't make for a good mood. It was nice meeting you, but I'd prefer not to come here again. If you need me any time, here's my contact."

After that, Austin pulled out a class C teleporter.

"This ought to get me back to CP pretty quickly."

"Isn't that DANGEROUS? Teleporting is meant for 10 miles, not 500."

Austin shrugged, and hit the teleporter. Finally, done with Matress Village. Now he could get back to his mission.

He checked his calender. It had been about a week. His time was running short, as it was half used up already.